( "good luck with that," huh? what a load of bullshit, and amami snaps, voice raising sharply in a way subaru probably hasn't ever heard from him before. )
You wouldn't understand! I've already...
( he bites his tongue though, hard, and cuts himself off. it's an ugly, pointless feeling; what does he gain from trying to explain himself? from trying to make it make sense to subaru? nothing, he doesn't think. it's never worked, because anything he says will go in one ear and out the other, just the same way that it always does, and always has. he doesn't gain a damn thing from saying it's the very fact that he cares about subaru, that he does consider them friends, that makes amami so stubbornly against the stupid excuse of a plan that could only hurt him. that makes him push and push and push the other away, so that none of his own bad karma hurts subaru worse than he can.
after all, hasn't he already lost enough...?
first his sisters, one by one, and it was his fault. abandoned by anyone he might've thought would understand him in light of that. he died without ever getting them back — without ever being able to see their faces again — and even when he got here, saihara... rika... he's sick of it. he's sick of it! sick and tired of losing any single thing he cares about. sick and tired of standing by and watching, helplessly, as the people who are important to him are taken away, and it's his own fault. his own failures lead to this over and over and over and over again. he's not adding to that count. keigo, subaru... there has to be a way to make sure they both get out of this.
he's willing to go to any lengths to make sure that happens. )
Listen, I just... ( he huffs. runs a hand through his hair. don't make him make this worse, subaru. ) I'd rather not do this right now. I don't have time for this.
no subject
You wouldn't understand! I've already...
( he bites his tongue though, hard, and cuts himself off. it's an ugly, pointless feeling; what does he gain from trying to explain himself? from trying to make it make sense to subaru? nothing, he doesn't think. it's never worked, because anything he says will go in one ear and out the other, just the same way that it always does, and always has. he doesn't gain a damn thing from saying it's the very fact that he cares about subaru, that he does consider them friends, that makes amami so stubbornly against the stupid excuse of a plan that could only hurt him. that makes him push and push and push the other away, so that none of his own bad karma hurts subaru worse than he can.
after all, hasn't he already lost enough...?
first his sisters, one by one, and it was his fault. abandoned by anyone he might've thought would understand him in light of that. he died without ever getting them back — without ever being able to see their faces again — and even when he got here, saihara... rika... he's sick of it. he's sick of it! sick and tired of losing any single thing he cares about. sick and tired of standing by and watching, helplessly, as the people who are important to him are taken away, and it's his own fault. his own failures lead to this over and over and over and over again. he's not adding to that count. keigo, subaru... there has to be a way to make sure they both get out of this.
he's willing to go to any lengths to make sure that happens. )
Listen, I just... ( he huffs. runs a hand through his hair. don't make him make this worse, subaru. ) I'd rather not do this right now. I don't have time for this.
( just let him go already. )