[his breath, his anger stops, and subaru presses his lips into a quiet line.
... it's true he's always just done things without saying a word to as why, and how that's even annoyed and caused trouble for his friends back home -- to the point that they ask him to talk to them, that he needs to get it out even if he doesn't understand what's bothering him (but he does, this time, he knows what's been digging at him and scratching at his worries, it's something he doesn't want to know but he does all the same) because otherwise it just spills out some other way, he does impulsive things and acts in a way no one can begin to understand.
how it causes miscommunications, misunderstandings, and false perceptions on each end.
subaru akehoshi is only a boy of eighteen, but he's nowhere near grown enough for it. even when he thinks he's acting it, or tries, he ends up getting it wrong, making mistakes, and learning from them too late. he rolls the thoughts it mind, hesitantly taking them from the holes he'd stuck them into, buried them away, and looks up at komaeda with quiet unease. the sort of silence that comes with being uncertain of who he's about to say something to, but komaeda must mean well if he's going through the trouble if it and being so harsh besides, too -- not for him, of course, but for the sake of keigo. subaru'd never think otherwise. it's the same with amami, after all.
... regardless, it'll take a few minutes -- maybe almost like he decided to give up on the topic, shut it down... but he'll mutter softly:]
Honestly, I've been sort of worried this whole time... that I'm selfishly clinging to Keigo, and that they don't think I can-- no, just don't want me to help them, even if they asked me to. I don't doubt that they love me or anything, but... you can still resent someone you love, y'know?
[so rather than "do you think keigo hates me" the question is better stated as that: "do you think keigo resents me". a huge difference, a remarkable change of nuance, and a more intimate one that he's uneasy about even now.]
They said they could never hate me, no matter how angry they get, but that's different. I forced them to talk about their contract. They cried, they didn't want me to ask, but I still did, and that's when they asked me to help them. I didn't ask a single thing after that, I just said I would, but I've been-- I've been so stumped, it just feels like I'm a hot air balloon.
[full of gas, ever-lifting, not a sign of coming down. it's frustrating. hopelessness is... it's something he's felt so long ago, had shut himself away from, and yet it continues to creep at his door.]
Even asking around a little, I couldn't think of anything... So I just decided to keep doing what I'd been doing: trying to give them happier memories to replace the lonely ones they must've had growing up. If I could even do that much, make 'em smile when they look at the sky at the stars and not mind the dark too much, that'd be enough until something more came my way -- from you, from Ama-chan, by chance... Whatever, anything that might help free 'em even a bit.
[a step in the right direction.]
And then we could do something with that, and they'd be able to have more tomorrows than they'd know what to do with. [...] I haven't lost anyone in so long, Maddy, and I never wanna lose someone again. But it really is more for them than it is for me, 'cause I want them to be able to live the life Akkichi told me about.
no subject
... it's true he's always just done things without saying a word to as why, and how that's even annoyed and caused trouble for his friends back home -- to the point that they ask him to talk to them, that he needs to get it out even if he doesn't understand what's bothering him (but he does, this time, he knows what's been digging at him and scratching at his worries, it's something he doesn't want to know but he does all the same) because otherwise it just spills out some other way, he does impulsive things and acts in a way no one can begin to understand.
how it causes miscommunications, misunderstandings, and false perceptions on each end.
subaru akehoshi is only a boy of eighteen, but he's nowhere near grown enough for it. even when he thinks he's acting it, or tries, he ends up getting it wrong, making mistakes, and learning from them too late. he rolls the thoughts it mind, hesitantly taking them from the holes he'd stuck them into, buried them away, and looks up at komaeda with quiet unease. the sort of silence that comes with being uncertain of who he's about to say something to, but komaeda must mean well if he's going through the trouble if it and being so harsh besides, too -- not for him, of course, but for the sake of keigo. subaru'd never think otherwise. it's the same with amami, after all.
... regardless, it'll take a few minutes -- maybe almost like he decided to give up on the topic, shut it down... but he'll mutter softly:]
Honestly, I've been sort of worried this whole time... that I'm selfishly clinging to Keigo, and that they don't think I can-- no, just don't want me to help them, even if they asked me to. I don't doubt that they love me or anything, but... you can still resent someone you love, y'know?
[so rather than "do you think keigo hates me" the question is better stated as that: "do you think keigo resents me". a huge difference, a remarkable change of nuance, and a more intimate one that he's uneasy about even now.]
They said they could never hate me, no matter how angry they get, but that's different. I forced them to talk about their contract. They cried, they didn't want me to ask, but I still did, and that's when they asked me to help them. I didn't ask a single thing after that, I just said I would, but I've been-- I've been so stumped, it just feels like I'm a hot air balloon.
[full of gas, ever-lifting, not a sign of coming down. it's frustrating. hopelessness is... it's something he's felt so long ago, had shut himself away from, and yet it continues to creep at his door.]
Even asking around a little, I couldn't think of anything... So I just decided to keep doing what I'd been doing: trying to give them happier memories to replace the lonely ones they must've had growing up. If I could even do that much, make 'em smile when they look at the sky at the stars and not mind the dark too much, that'd be enough until something more came my way -- from you, from Ama-chan, by chance... Whatever, anything that might help free 'em even a bit.
[a step in the right direction.]
And then we could do something with that, and they'd be able to have more tomorrows than they'd know what to do with. [...] I haven't lost anyone in so long, Maddy, and I never wanna lose someone again. But it really is more for them than it is for me, 'cause I want them to be able to live the life Akkichi told me about.