subaru "show-off hot quasi-scatterbrain" akehoshi (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
starrypoint) wrote2021-09-14 12:40 am
starrypoint) wrote2021-09-14 12:40 am
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no subject
This conversation is over, Akehoshi-kun.
( though he'll hold the other's gaze until he gets some kind of confirmation that subaru gets it. )
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I opened up to you 'cause I remembered the last time I didn't. You got mad at me, and this time you're mad too -- I get why, but I'm not gonna let it go. Why the hell can't you do the same? What is it about me that you don't trust, Amami, when I've always tried to have your back -- even when you've been accused, when it was my hair they found instead!
[how they'll find subaru's handwriting, his fingerprints next month, and amami still won't stick up for him directly. how he'll agree with natsume, but feel like it's dismissive as a whole.]
Can't you even give me a "good luck with that"? We're aiming for the same thing, so what the hell is your high horse for?
no subject
You wouldn't understand! I've already...
( he bites his tongue though, hard, and cuts himself off. it's an ugly, pointless feeling; what does he gain from trying to explain himself? from trying to make it make sense to subaru? nothing, he doesn't think. it's never worked, because anything he says will go in one ear and out the other, just the same way that it always does, and always has. he doesn't gain a damn thing from saying it's the very fact that he cares about subaru, that he does consider them friends, that makes amami so stubbornly against the stupid excuse of a plan that could only hurt him. that makes him push and push and push the other away, so that none of his own bad karma hurts subaru worse than he can.
after all, hasn't he already lost enough...?
first his sisters, one by one, and it was his fault. abandoned by anyone he might've thought would understand him in light of that. he died without ever getting them back — without ever being able to see their faces again — and even when he got here, saihara... rika... he's sick of it. he's sick of it! sick and tired of losing any single thing he cares about. sick and tired of standing by and watching, helplessly, as the people who are important to him are taken away, and it's his own fault. his own failures lead to this over and over and over and over again. he's not adding to that count. keigo, subaru... there has to be a way to make sure they both get out of this.
he's willing to go to any lengths to make sure that happens. )
Listen, I just... ( he huffs. runs a hand through his hair. don't make him make this worse, subaru. ) I'd rather not do this right now. I don't have time for this.
( just let him go already. )
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[and it's clear that it hits a little harder than amami intends, maybe, from the way his voice quiets as he asks, pain flashing in his eyes before they harden--
because subaru akehoshi hasn't cried in almost over a decade, standing tearless before a grave of his father while his mother wept silently beside him sitting by the same woman as she despondently went through the motions of a day disquieted by abuse and incoherent noise outside if only for subaru's sake, who did the same and never asked for anything more than what he got and became a reflection of the man who died in an attempt to make her smile or her day a little brighter--
who's never known, at the heart, if who he is is born of the memories he has now, of the shadow of his father he filled the empty space of. it's terrifying, but he's putting it on the line.
there's never been anyone who'd wanted to understand him. even now, his friends never know what to say when he brings up his dad -- how they step around it like glass on the floor, afraid they might bleed or he might feel hurt. he thinks of the people who'd used him when he reached out his hands, he thinks of the ones who snidely turned away, he thinks of those that scoffed at his passion and thoughts and laughed at a "prodigy" who wanted to be friends with them. how he gave up on that, how he grew to hate the word.
...
how trickstar so easily disbanded, the turned back amami'd given him looking so much like hokuto's in that moment; how they'd come near a second time just two seasons later, and subaru continues to let it be water under the bridge again and again and again because that's what friends do, maybe, or because he just doesn't want to be alone again.
he doesn't want to be alone again, he doesn't want to let anyone else in his life slip right through his fingers when he has the chance to stop them, and so subaru throws himself at amami with no warning whatsoever--]
Just try me, you bastard! If you don't think I'll understand, then make me! That's what friends do!
no subject
It's while they're having they're wrapped up in their discussion that Ranger slips out of the dorms, as quiet as ever. He doesn't hear much of it, but just enough to guess that it's escalating. He's just in time for that natural conclusion, and he'll reach out in an effort to try and grab Subaru before he can start a fist fight in the snow and probably make both of them sick rolling around in snow and ice - a shoulder, the back of his shirt, whatever he can get a grip on. It's like grabbing a little kid having a tantrum, except they're both fully grown and letting pressure and stress and emotions color their thoughts.
It doesn't take a genius to figure that out, at least. He looks between the two of them. ]
...
Do you mind?
no subject
...
would it matter? maybe not at this point, amami can see the uncertainty before he huffs and turns his face away, frown still evident.]
Yeah, I do. Ama-chan needs a good rough up, then he'll understand.
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...
amami addresses ranger instead, sighing as he picks himself up and dusts some of the snow off of himself. )
Sorry, Ranger-kun. He's acting like a child because he didn't like something I said.
( he's only been trying to walk away for the last three tags. )
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He doesn't for now. ]
Nah, beating things into someone's head never works. I've tried.
[ It's really unfortunate, it would make his life a lot easier. He blinks as he turns his attention to Amami. ]
That all? I was wondering what the lover's quarrel is all about.
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[he cuts himself off, frustration evident, before he turns to grab ranger's arm gently. he knows physical contact is not always for others but he's using it to try and get the other to let go.]
It's nothing, Rio-chan. Ama-chan's acting like a jerk and it got under my skin, that's all.
[it's nothing he can go into detail with right now anyway, it isn't ranger's place to know.]