subaru "show-off hot quasi-scatterbrain" akehoshi (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
starrypoint) wrote2021-09-14 12:40 am
starrypoint) wrote2021-09-14 12:40 am
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01/04
i forgot they were gonna put letters into the dead drop spot but we can say they're supposed to be working on some as per komaeda's orders. anyway subaru's sitting a little ways away, quiet and light dim the way it's been the past few days since coming into void school, but he hasn't been open to talking about it whatsoever. avoiding the topic, straight up walking away, pretty much anything outside of sitting down and pouring it out to someone.
...
it's been simmering, though, and while subaru's drawing a dog he'll ask in the most nonchalant, casual tone, as if it's not a big deal or anything whatsoever--]
Do you think Keigo hates me?
[how he's gonna repeat this convo with someone post void]
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or so he thought. )
Repeat what you said, then ask me again.
( almost like he's shrugged off the comment, but maybe it's true about what npckun said. that them, subaru and amami never have the same conversations, so subaru wouldn't understand how completely laughable his comment is.
at least he knows what's on subaru's mind now. )
no subject
subaru plays with his pen, drawing swirly grass, he guesses, on the sheet. whoosh whoosh...]
They said once they can't hate me. [they said that. no matter how mad they got at him, they'd never hate him.] But do you think they could?
[that maybe he's unwelcome after all? it is a flickering rush of a romance, no matter how much subaru puts into it, no matter how much he's done his best to learn and fumble his way through things he's never been prepared for a day in his life. no examples, no chances.]
no subject
( komaeda is one, considering he gets so petty as time goes on, just the same way he did with ranger not too long ago, but he doesn't dwell on it. he's over it, actually. he listens to subaru's worries instead, humming thoughtfully over npckun hating him. )
If they hated you, I'd be charmed. It's something they won't do for anyone.
( even him, they said they can't hate him, but... )
Explain why they would hate you, you said... I understood them, so maybe I can tell you their feelings.
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Um... Mmm.
[he doesn't want to tell the whole lead up... it's stupid and silly and selfish, and it hurts too. but there's other things he can talk about, that he can bring up, and maybe he can wrap around to the thing that's gently pushed his thoughts over the edge.]
I like poking fun at them sometimes 'cause they're easy to trick, but I stopped that once they told me to... I probably project on them or something 'cause we've got some similarities, like you say I do with you, and you don't seem to like that so why would they? I always bring them dark places knowing they don't like the dark, I've pushed 'em until they told me things they didn't want to tell me, I keep giving them what's gotta sound like false hope about their future even if I-- you know.
[even if he really believes it, that they can find a way to fix things. little does he know things are in motion to aim towards just that, one domino after another.]
I showed them a totally uncool side of me too recently, during Hina-chan's birthday. [to put it lightly. that's very lightly.] I mean, I... don't really care what other people think of me, 'cause they've always thought whatever they wanted anyway, [but he does care, a little, enough to put up with things in first year and dog after his own false hope of friendship and attention,] but I don't want Keigo to think they can't rely on me or anything like that. Y'know?
[... something like that... it all sounds like venting, but there's just too much that's not needless or pointless whining for it to be that.]
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( at hinata's birthday party no less, the place that the other was so excited to have once in his life as his. there were no new year's celebration signs, nothing that was in association with the holiday aside from idle chit chat, but what was important was the fact that they all came together for him. it's special to the people involved, and to hear there was something disruptive. it's not like he wasn't aware, his eyes can follow any ultimate, and he felt amami rush over despite not understanding what happened.
he hums. no matter how ungrateful the other is, komaeda focuses on what's important. )
What happened?
( his words come off serious, straight to the point that he doesn't even need to look at subaru when he speaks. he keeps the question open so that the other can fill in the blanks, he won't ask what did he do, but what does he think he's done. what does subaru believe happened that npckun would turn away from him, would hate him. that child appears to have the inability to hate, or that's how it runs in the family from what komaeda has noticed. if they like you enough, they'll do everything in their power not to hate someone for their actions, or for anything really. )
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but if he's capable of it, so are they. subaru rubs his left arm idly.]
I was showin' them the cool firework trick you showed me and they stepped off the roof. I caught 'em, and I called Ama-chan over, [no words, just a whistle only three people at that party including himself would know the meaning of,] and he helped us up.
[a near tragedy, but not something to really hate anyone for. amami might have a different opinion. he rolls over onto his back to stare at the clocktower's ceiling, then glancing at komaeda and back to the ceiling. quieter, but that doesn't matter when the world is so silent it feels like something's about to burst anyway.]
They apologized and wanted to go after that, but I asked 'em to stay 'cause... I was afraid. That they'd get caught on that memory forever, and they'd never wanna do anything with me again, so I wanted 'em to stay so I could make memories that'd clear it away. But they didn't say a word to me, they spoke to Ama-chan, and it was only when I said I'd see 'em the next day -- I was supposed to show 'em how new stars are born, I was gonna ask Natsume if I could borrow his VR thing for it -- that they acknowledged me any.
[it hurt. it may not sound like much, but it's a hook in his heart, serrated and caught. he wouldn't be surprised if komaeda went on about subaru's selfishness again, about how he's thinking too much about himself and not about them, but he's always had an issue about people telling him that. he wants to be thought of, too.]
Even the little hug they surprised me with just... felt like an afterthought. Sort of thing.
[amami probably hates him, too, more than keigo-- but he can deal with that with the person himself. sooner than the fragile-feeling romance he has with keigo, inexperienced and stumbling as he is.]
no subject
( a hand comes to his chin, stroking idly as he thinks back on what had happened, but he would have never known the whole story unless he asked amami. he keeps his eyes on npckun better than anyone else it seems like, the world that shopkeeper sees is muddy, and amami acts as a pair of prescription glasses for them, and he notes subaru as the frame that held them together at that point.
hm, his concerns are towards the little trick he made, and for a brief moment he contemplates what could have happened if he didn't. it's nothing that can be corrected now, and he lifts one hand to catch subaru's attention as he looks up at the ceiling for answers. the hole in the ceiling shines down the same bright light as before, and subaru can see how the clouds move along the sky in one direction.
he's no more than a star that's fell from grace, komaeda thought too highly, it seems. )
Did you betray them, Akehoshi-kun, or have they betrayed you?
( this feeling is what komaeda knows best, betraying someone's trust hurts more than anything in the world he's learned. he'll betray someone's trust again and again if he needs to, but this isn't about him, it's about the other people involved. for now, he'll act as the third party. he grimaces at the next day, knowing that they've been here for about four, and now he must feel like a hated liar, how unfortunate. )
It must have been terrifying, living with the knowledge that you could have ended their life; especially when your mission is to do the opposite. You might be thinking Amami-kun hates you, even more than Kogamo, but have you ever thought of what's to be gained rather than lost?
( he wants to be understood, he wants reassurance too, he wants someone there to hear him out much like anami listened to npckun at that moment.
komaeda pulls out his broken pda, tapping it to see if it'll run warm. )
Comfort doesn't come immediately after, it starts with denial, a few quick and easy steps into bargaining. You've been there for quite some time now.
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Ama-chan for sure hates me, [he says with a sigh.] 'Cause he babies Keigo a lot, and wouldn't ever think they're the ones at fault for something. I dunno if he'd even hear me out.
[they've had talks, things that rubbed each other the wrong way, but only when it came to keigo.
the rest of the time... they were fine, they were generally on the same page -- it's why subaru considered them friends.
nonetheless--]
I would've never let them die, though, so I'm not scared by that. Even if I'd missed my first chance, I would've jumped right after them.
[though he'd do that for any of his friends, without hesitation... they're important to him, and subaru used to think himself invincible. now he's just foolish.
...
is he bargaining...]
no subject
( as much as komaeda has been around him, he noticed that before removing his tally that he was very keen on family, but after, he seemed to not mention it as much. a curious thing, ah, he wonders, but he shrugs his shoulders as he looks at subaru now; giving his attention. )
They're still a child, and sheltered too, their father was never home, they lost their family, it was just them. To teach someone to grow isn't by force, you have to be considerate, once they know what it's like to be considered... ( the way komaeda notes them as more than a shopkeeper, he's considering them as someone else than what they want to be. subaru has been considered by the others because of his profession and his friends, that's where him and npckun differ. )
Once they have been, you can be inconsiderate, break their habit, help them grow... but there's nothing to nurture if they never had it. You should think about others, Akehoshi-kun, it really is because Amami-kun is considerate that's why he'd frown at you, or turn his head.
( amami is an easy read, he's insensitive, komaeda has spoken to him, and he has learned from his own mistakes that the other can blow him off. it's why he knows his place, enough to keep distance, and never ask for much. it's better that way, he finds, considering he does wind up rejected by his efforts. being in love is such a horrible feeling, at times, he wishes he could claw his heart out. )
...I think you'd hesitate, it'd be too late, and you'd get yourself killed too.
( because npckun isn't a friend, they're a lover, and subaru's delusional, but also bargaining. )
no subject
so that's the way komaeda thinks of him. subaru laughs a little, in that "really?" sort of way, and shakes his head. he's a little irate, because saying he'd hesitate? he's only hesitated about a few things in his life, most of them about his own feelings, but he doesn't this time.]
You don't know me at all, Maddy. I didn't hesitate nearly getting myself killed for them, I was halfway off the roof before I knew what was happening. They're important to me, y'know? And whatever they think of me... [home, someone who could give them a flickering of possibly false hope, someone who makes them feel "special" with a call of their name -- "like you're seeing me for me", they'd said] Keigo's always going to be Keigo, and I'd risk my neck for any of my precious friends. Even you.
[even if komaeda doesn't want him to, never wanted him to. consideration, inconsideration -- that's subjective to subaru especially, because he's at least learning to be considerate of others and has been for a few years. there's bumps, there's relapses and drawbacks, but he wants to be considerate of his friends, which is why he sticks his nose where it doesn't belong, why he hadn't told amami about the contract since he had so much other grief going on (which was, he found out, a mistake, and won't make that mistake again), why he did tell komaeda about it since he knew he couldn't do anything alone. why he keeps natsume out of it all.
why he continues to simply give keigo happy memories to clear out the lonely ones, and would do the same for any of his friends in a heartbeat.
but it's a lot to say, and subaru doesn't feel like spilling his guts that much. nothing's ever good enough for him, or for amami, anyway.]
no subject
( so that's a subaru problem more than a komaeda problem, but saying this aloud should mean what? for the other to work on his faults, the one that appear more than what he says himself to be. )
If this wasn't true, why are you in the predicament that you're in?
( the situation wouldn't be... here, he wouldn't be sitting on the floor wondering if amami hates him, and if npckun hates him. he'd already know the answers to his questions without any doubt, actually, subaru would be able to live the same way he's always had. that said, he tilts his head to the side. )
I understand you don't like hearing it, but no one is a mind reader, Akehoshi-kun, you should be more honest. ( komaeda's actually a mind reader, but that's from time to time, and even now he waits. ) You want to do everything for your friends, even the ones you force to be your friends, that's why it's difficult when you rewrite narrations to fit your story. What will you do now after telling me this? Is it true? Or are you saying it just to feel good about yourself?
( tell him. )
You have all the time in the world, we are by the clocktower, what do you hide that you tell no one. That too, is a mistake which backfires.
no subject
... it's true he's always just done things without saying a word to as why, and how that's even annoyed and caused trouble for his friends back home -- to the point that they ask him to talk to them, that he needs to get it out even if he doesn't understand what's bothering him (but he does, this time, he knows what's been digging at him and scratching at his worries, it's something he doesn't want to know but he does all the same) because otherwise it just spills out some other way, he does impulsive things and acts in a way no one can begin to understand.
how it causes miscommunications, misunderstandings, and false perceptions on each end.
subaru akehoshi is only a boy of eighteen, but he's nowhere near grown enough for it. even when he thinks he's acting it, or tries, he ends up getting it wrong, making mistakes, and learning from them too late. he rolls the thoughts it mind, hesitantly taking them from the holes he'd stuck them into, buried them away, and looks up at komaeda with quiet unease. the sort of silence that comes with being uncertain of who he's about to say something to, but komaeda must mean well if he's going through the trouble if it and being so harsh besides, too -- not for him, of course, but for the sake of keigo. subaru'd never think otherwise. it's the same with amami, after all.
... regardless, it'll take a few minutes -- maybe almost like he decided to give up on the topic, shut it down... but he'll mutter softly:]
Honestly, I've been sort of worried this whole time... that I'm selfishly clinging to Keigo, and that they don't think I can-- no, just don't want me to help them, even if they asked me to. I don't doubt that they love me or anything, but... you can still resent someone you love, y'know?
[so rather than "do you think keigo hates me" the question is better stated as that: "do you think keigo resents me". a huge difference, a remarkable change of nuance, and a more intimate one that he's uneasy about even now.]
They said they could never hate me, no matter how angry they get, but that's different. I forced them to talk about their contract. They cried, they didn't want me to ask, but I still did, and that's when they asked me to help them. I didn't ask a single thing after that, I just said I would, but I've been-- I've been so stumped, it just feels like I'm a hot air balloon.
[full of gas, ever-lifting, not a sign of coming down. it's frustrating. hopelessness is... it's something he's felt so long ago, had shut himself away from, and yet it continues to creep at his door.]
Even asking around a little, I couldn't think of anything... So I just decided to keep doing what I'd been doing: trying to give them happier memories to replace the lonely ones they must've had growing up. If I could even do that much, make 'em smile when they look at the sky at the stars and not mind the dark too much, that'd be enough until something more came my way -- from you, from Ama-chan, by chance... Whatever, anything that might help free 'em even a bit.
[a step in the right direction.]
And then we could do something with that, and they'd be able to have more tomorrows than they'd know what to do with. [...] I haven't lost anyone in so long, Maddy, and I never wanna lose someone again. But it really is more for them than it is for me, 'cause I want them to be able to live the life Akkichi told me about.
no subject
( a small phrase that no one cares to hear, but it's the truth. a person can become someone's shackle, one that keeps them trapped in place, and they can no longer roam free because there's someone holding them back. that's not love at all, but he doesn't have to teach subaru what love is to understand his feelings on the matter. it is a sensitive topic, the way he frets and concerns over someone else when he brought this on himself.
his care and worry shows by how he grows quiet, looks at komaeda, and moves on. )
You call it selfishness, but if a moment came where you could pry yourself from them, would you? To say... you don't want to lose them, is the same notion I've heard before. Forgetting, losing... there's is no such thing as goodbyes.
( the end doesn't make sense, to think that everything stops there doesn't work here, not when there's constant loops, and here they are within the clock tower where they mess with time themselves. he knows subaru doesn't want to have a lesson on this, and he's wanting someone to hear him out.
komaeda takes no side on the matter, as he stands up to walk over to one of the clocks. his fingers press against a gear, feeling how it turns as he tries to find a way to ease his worries. )
There's only so much time, and if you want to live life, then you have to let them as well... Akehoshi-kun, you care about them deeply that everything is becoming lost on you with how much they have left. The days you're giving them won't matter when the final hour strikes...
( that's the end, that's when only subaru will retain the memories, and he doesn't know if kogamo will know any longer. it must be terrifying to almost lose them when he's been trying to find a way to save them, to free them, but there's no need to keep this bird in a gilded cage. that's what these dates are, sweet nothings that are kind but amount to what...? it's not solving the problem. )
I can tell you my thoughts on how to save them... I spoke with them on the night of the party, you may find use. If you truly mean it when you say you want to save them. The truth is painful, but living a life that's nothing more than lies to the inevitable, I think you both deserve more than that.