starrypoint | ☆ ic inbox ☆

It doesn't make sense for you to make a sacrifice like that. Especially if those memories are precious to you. I mean... there's no way to know if you'd even be the same person without those experiences.

( but subaru doesn't seem dissuaded. his plan is spoken like someone truly ungrateful to have never had memories taken forcibly from him in the past.

it's the happiness in them though, that really makes it a hard sell for amami. at the very least take someone miserable, or someone who has no future ahead of him even if he did make the choice to return home. to snatch away the opportunities of someone who has so much they could still live for and pursue, who has people who care about them, who has hope... to say it rubs him the wrong way would be an understatement. )

A trade is fine, but I'm certain we can find a better bargaining chip.

( like amami's soul? now that's equivalent exchange baybee. )

And if it's you, Ama-chan, then there's no way I'm helping you out.

[because isn't fair, to take away someone's family like that. it'd be just as bad as komaeda or rokuro doing the same thing.]

I'll be the same person without those memories. [firm and resolute, a certainty he can't possibly know but believes in regardless.] But Keigo won't be the same without you. You mean so much more to them than you think.

If it came to that, they wouldn't even know what happened. I'm on track to graduate this year, aren't I?

( it would be just like he left to go home, and they'd have plenty here to look after them in the meantime. it isn't that amami doesn't care, but... sometimes, you have to do what's best for the people you care about. sometimes, what's best for someone doesn't include you. it's a sacrifice he doesn't like any more than subaru, but one he feels he has a strong backing in going through with. )

But it's not like I have much of a place to go back to. I'd have plenty to live for, but the chances of surviving for me, they'd be pretty slim. The way I see it, this is the end of the line for me either way, so it would be a waste for someone who has so much more of a chance out there to give up something so important.

( someone who's already proven they can be happy — that they've succeeded and can continue to succeed in the future as well.

he'll shake his head though, because it's not like he'd skip to the extremes for himself, either. he has a more tempered solution, and backup plans beyond that... )

Besides, you haven't even asked what I'd be giving up.

[... poor amami, is all subaru can think, though he knows there's others with similar stories. more who can't go home, or don't want to, than those with futures bright like his own and natsume. but he'll sway on his feet, ever moving, before he tilts his head curiously.]

What?

It's nothing.

( he doesn't wanna talk about it, but it's technically not sacrificing himself, and it's not as bad as subaru's. in fact, if he could get a contract, it would only ensure that he would be able to stay at keigo's side for as long as they needed him to be there. it would be... a good thing, he thinks, but it isn't something he intends to get into now. )

But I'm not planning to give up on myself either. I just want you to think about what you're trying to do here, because I think there's a better way to do it.

Ama-chan~, you can't say that and then not tell me what it is when I ask! And what if there's not? Keigo only got their deal 'cause it's a life for a life, mine's the same except it's a past for a future.

[so what makes it any better than this.]

I told you, I'm fine with it. I've thought about it, and I've accepted the cost -- it's totally worth it in my mind, they spent so long being alone and now they'll have the chance to have so many more friends! So many, they won't know what to do with 'em! Isn't that worth a shot, Ama-chan?

Don't— ( something in his tone feels sharper for a moment, but he stops himself — breathes a long sigh before continuing. )

Don't make it sound like I'm not trying my best to save them too, Akehoshi-kun. I don't appreciate it.

( "isn't it worth a shot?" and "they'll have the chance," as if the two of them don't have the same goal. as if subaru's the only one who's trying to cut that deal. it pisses him off, frankly, because that's not what he's arguing at all. it's enough for him to draw to a stop, hands on his hips as he considers something, and... yeah. this is going nowhere, is it? )

I just don't think it's the right choice, so if that's what you want to do, then you're on your own. Just... don't rush into anything, because we still have time to find another option.

( amami will just have to figure something out before subaru gets the opportunity to pull off his dumb stunt, is all. )

[he hunches at the scolding, despite how much harsher it could've been, because he knows. he knows. they have the same goal, even if they can't agree on the path to it -- that's never bothered subaru before, and if anything... rather than a race, or someone being more right than the other, that just means there's two baskets to put eggs into. he'd be happy either way, as long as it ended well enough.

he stops too, sighing in frustration.]

Sorry. I know you're working for the same thing, I just... don't have anything else worth offering. Nothing that wouldn't get me into worse trouble with Keigo, anyway, 'cause they asked me not to put myself in harms way. Being smote included.

[like this isn't getting in harms way, like the consequences couldn't be worse than what those little totems offer...]

Ama-chan. I'm trusting that you've got a plan that's keeping you to that promise too, even if they haven't asked you, even if they would never want you to know about all this in the first place... because I'd hate to lose you, too. You're one of my best friends here, y'know?

Then maybe you shouldn't be offering.

( it's matter of fact, getting straight to the point when he says it.

and the words that come next, they sting. because he knows subaru won't approve of the remaining options that amami is desperately trying to find alternatives to, and now with his deadline cut all the shorter, they're becoming fewer and fewer at that. he needs to act. he can't stand by and watch. why should he be expected to, when his friend, when his baby sibling, are both so in danger? subaru made that promise to them, just like subaru was the only one they trusted with this information to begin with. subaru is the one who's so important to them, and who they don't want harm to come to. the meaning of it all isn't lost on amami. )

It won't come to that. ( to subaru's sacrifice, he means. ) I won't let it, and I'm certainly not going to help you now that I know.

( so find your own money to offer, because amami's going to turn and make to walk back to the dorms now. he's tired. he's tired... )

[he gets it.

and he appreciates the words that come after, but the first part -- you shouldn't be offering -- burns him something fierce and subaru presses his lips tight, walking after amami to shove him. don't turn your back on him, even if that seems to be one of amami's favorite pastimes.]

What am I supposed to do then, huh? Sit back and watch 'em disappear?

( he's only a few steps forward when he feels the shove — stumbles a few more before he can right himself, and when he turns to see the one who did it, his eyes are narrowed sharp as knives. his fists are clenched at his sides, near-shaking from how tightly they're curled, and it's taking every ounce of self-control he's got in him to keep calm right now. his frustration is audible in the low warning of his voice. )

This conversation is over, Akehoshi-kun.

( though he'll hold the other's gaze until he gets some kind of confirmation that subaru gets it. )

[nope. no sort. subaru's upset, he's wounded and frustrated all the same, voice growing louder.]

I opened up to you 'cause I remembered the last time I didn't. You got mad at me, and this time you're mad too -- I get why, but I'm not gonna let it go. Why the hell can't you do the same? What is it about me that you don't trust, Amami, when I've always tried to have your back -- even when you've been accused, when it was my hair they found instead!

[how they'll find subaru's handwriting, his fingerprints next month, and amami still won't stick up for him directly. how he'll agree with natsume, but feel like it's dismissive as a whole.]

Can't you even give me a "good luck with that"? We're aiming for the same thing, so what the hell is your high horse for?

( "good luck with that," huh? what a load of bullshit, and amami snaps, voice raising sharply in a way subaru probably hasn't ever heard from him before. )

You wouldn't understand! I've already...

( he bites his tongue though, hard, and cuts himself off. it's an ugly, pointless feeling; what does he gain from trying to explain himself? from trying to make it make sense to subaru? nothing, he doesn't think. it's never worked, because anything he says will go in one ear and out the other, just the same way that it always does, and always has. he doesn't gain a damn thing from saying it's the very fact that he cares about subaru, that he does consider them friends, that makes amami so stubbornly against the stupid excuse of a plan that could only hurt him. that makes him push and push and push the other away, so that none of his own bad karma hurts subaru worse than he can.

after all, hasn't he already lost enough...?

first his sisters, one by one, and it was his fault. abandoned by anyone he might've thought would understand him in light of that. he died without ever getting them back — without ever being able to see their faces again — and even when he got here, saihara... rika... he's sick of it. he's sick of it! sick and tired of losing any single thing he cares about. sick and tired of standing by and watching, helplessly, as the people who are important to him are taken away, and it's his own fault. his own failures lead to this over and over and over and over again. he's not adding to that count. keigo, subaru... there has to be a way to make sure they both get out of this.

he's willing to go to any lengths to make sure that happens. )

Listen, I just... ( he huffs. runs a hand through his hair. don't make him make this worse, subaru. ) I'd rather not do this right now. I don't have time for this.

( just let him go already. )

... You don't, huh?

[and it's clear that it hits a little harder than amami intends, maybe, from the way his voice quiets as he asks, pain flashing in his eyes before they harden--

because subaru akehoshi hasn't cried in almost over a decade, standing tearless before a grave of his father while his mother wept silently beside him sitting by the same woman as she despondently went through the motions of a day disquieted by abuse and incoherent noise outside if only for subaru's sake, who did the same and never asked for anything more than what he got and became a reflection of the man who died in an attempt to make her smile or her day a little brighter--

who's never known, at the heart, if who he is is born of the memories he has now, of the shadow of his father he filled the empty space of. it's terrifying, but he's putting it on the line.

there's never been anyone who'd wanted to understand him. even now, his friends never know what to say when he brings up his dad -- how they step around it like glass on the floor, afraid they might bleed or he might feel hurt. he thinks of the people who'd used him when he reached out his hands, he thinks of the ones who snidely turned away, he thinks of those that scoffed at his passion and thoughts and laughed at a "prodigy" who wanted to be friends with them. how he gave up on that, how he grew to hate the word.

...

how trickstar so easily disbanded, the turned back amami'd given him looking so much like hokuto's in that moment; how they'd come near a second time just two seasons later, and subaru continues to let it be water under the bridge again and again and again because that's what friends do, maybe, or because he just doesn't want to be alone again.

he doesn't want to be alone again, he doesn't want to let anyone else in his life slip right through his fingers when he has the chance to stop them, and so subaru throws himself at amami with no warning whatsoever--]

Just try me, you bastard! If you don't think I'll understand, then make me! That's what friends do!

[ ranger rn

It's while they're having they're wrapped up in their discussion that Ranger slips out of the dorms, as quiet as ever. He doesn't hear much of it, but just enough to guess that it's escalating. He's just in time for that natural conclusion, and he'll reach out in an effort to try and grab Subaru before he can start a fist fight in the snow and probably make both of them sick rolling around in snow and ice - a shoulder, the back of his shirt, whatever he can get a grip on. It's like grabbing a little kid having a tantrum, except they're both fully grown and letting pressure and stress and emotions color their thoughts.

It doesn't take a genius to figure that out, at least. He looks between the two of them. ]

...

Do you mind?

Edited 2022-02-18 01:38 (UTC)

[subaru yelps as he's just as suddenly taken off amami as soon as he'd gotten onto him, ranger's hand gripping the back of his shirt like he's some kind of ill-tempered dog, and he stills, wondering how much the other heard.

...

would it matter? maybe not at this point, amami can see the uncertainty before he huffs and turns his face away, frown still evident.]

Yeah, I do. Ama-chan needs a good rough up, then he'll understand.

( he's half expecting it, but not quite enough to properly get out of the way before subaru comes crashing into him. ducking aside when you're expecting a swing doesn't do much when someone decides to throw their whole body at you after all, and it seems like he momentarily has the wind knocked out of him before ranger manages to pick subaru up by the scruff, reeling him back. and subaru's still going for it. maybe not trying to get at him still, but acting like that's anywhere near acceptable behaviour for guys their age.

...

amami addresses ranger instead, sighing as he picks himself up and dusts some of the snow off of himself. )

Sorry, Ranger-kun. He's acting like a child because he didn't like something I said.

( he's only been trying to walk away for the last three tags. )

[ He hadn't heard quite enough to get a grasp on the situation, but unfortunately Aamami is a little slow. He's not sure that hitting him in the head would just knock out a few more braincells... Though after listening to both of them, it is tempting.

He doesn't for now. ]

Nah, beating things into someone's head never works. I've tried.

[ It's really unfortunate, it would make his life a lot easier. He blinks as he turns his attention to Amami. ]

That all? I was wondering what the lover's quarrel is all about.

That's not--

[he cuts himself off, frustration evident, before he turns to grab ranger's arm gently. he knows physical contact is not always for others but he's using it to try and get the other to let go.]

It's nothing, Rio-chan. Ama-chan's acting like a jerk and it got under my skin, that's all.

[it's nothing he can go into detail with right now anyway, it isn't ranger's place to know.]

☆ ic inbox ☆

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject