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Yup, I'm positive!

[immediate, with a bright smile. he's hoisting himself out of the water more, clothes sagging wet against him, and holding out a hand.]

You've never lied to me, so why shouldn't I trust you? You haven't given me a reason not to, y'know?

[...he lowers his hand after a moment, the smile flickering slightly.]

But... I guess it's not really a two-way street, huh? I can trust you all I want, but that doesn't mean anything if you don't trust me.

[... is it because he's friends with natsume?]

No, it's not that, it's just...

( it's just that still, subaru insists that he hasn't lied — something he'd never know, if amami really had. that he trusts him despite their circumstances, and in a way that feels far too at odds with what amami has always kind of known about the world around him and the people in it. he wants to take that hand, of course. there's probably little that he wants more than something as simple and hopeful as someone's friendship at a time like this, but... )

If you knew the truth, I dunno if you'd still feel that way. Even I've got doubts sometimes, so I can't expect others not to.

My best friend's Natsume Sakasaki. A shady, no good fortune teller that's killed four people, who claims he lies all the time, and doesn't show his hand until he has to. There's no reason for anyone to trust him, every reason for someone not to trust him, but...

[...]

But I do, with every fiber of my being, and I have since the day I met him. Because he wanted to be friends with me, Subaru Akehoshi.

[it doesn't sound too big of a deal, from anyone else... but the way he emphasizes it makes it feel a lot more. it's important that it's him, and not... who? what?]

It's not that I don't care about the truth, or what people say about others, but I just want to be able to judge it for myself. And I think that by being honest with you and everyone else, you'll be honest with me, too. You're Rantarou Amami, my classmate and friend. And I promise, that won't change.

[because he doesn't like losing friends, because he wants to get along with others, because everyone has their reasons and he'll make someone see good no matter what it takes. he'll get mad at people, he'll call them out, but it's not for a selfless reason at all.]

( it's... they're nice words, and to an extent, they do make him feel better. he still has to shake his head as subaru finishes up with what he has to say though. )

You think so, but... I'm not sure if it really works like that. You can't judge a truth you don't know anything about...

( one of his hands comes up to rub at the side of his neck, and he's quiet for a long moment, though he clearly still has more to say — countless thoughts buzzing in his mind. worries, and anxieties, and fears, all drawn from two simple problems, and coalescing into an obstacle that feels at times impossible for him to overcome. it was easier before, talking about this... because the other person, at least, they kind of knew what it was like. what he was going through. it's harder when that shared experience isn't there but, even so, he'll gather his words. )

You remember, right, about my talent? There are things — important things — about myself that not even I know, even if I wanted to be honest...

( and the things he does know, that he's a murderer and a failure a dozen and more times over, those aren't really too flattering either.

it isn't an outright rejection though. he does slowly continue after the words have settled, sounding tentative. )

But... if we could be friends— if you'd still want to, I'd like that. ( with a bit more conviction: ) I want to be friends with you too, Akehoshi-kun.

[subaru waits at the edge, the air drying the pool water on his face. he lets amami talk, lets him think, watches the way his body speaks louder than any word, and finally at the end, when the last eight words hit

he pulls the rest of himself up and veritably dives into amami, ready or not, and if he gets his clutches on him one way or another he won't let go, he'll grip tight and laugh, a bright happy noise that lets loose without about as much warning as his movement did.]

You got it, Ama-chan! I'm sooooo happy you finally think of me as a friend too, it's super lonely when it's only halfway, you know? Ama-chan~, Ama-cha~n! ☆

[sweet as his nickname... subaru'll calm down after a moment, though he's still beaming, heart beating fast. he'll never get over it, especially not here.]

So you'll take a dip with me?

[! swim? swim swim?]

( amami, not expecting it, and absolutely almost bowled over by the way subaru crashes into him. )

C'mon, it's not like I'm heartless...

( amami actually sounds a little embarrassed saying this much, awkward with the other boy clinging all over him like this. jeez, subaru out here acting like he really thought amami hated him or something, like this is some kind of dramatic confession where his heartfelt feelings were finally accepted and returned. all he said is that he'd like to be friends? )

... So yeah. Guess I can do that.

( even if it's disgustingly depressing to think about going swimming without rika now, knowing how fond she was of the pool, but... it's fine. subaru's got good intentions, probably, and he's here anyway — refusing just so he can keep sulking and feeling sorry for himself, that's not gonna accomplish anything. at the very least, if he keeps his body moving, and his mind occupied at all times, he can avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.

let him just try to start peeling subaru back off of him though, because he's incredibly not used to this. especially from a guy his own age. )

Gimme a minute, 'kay?

[subaru detatches easy enough, stripping off more of his clothes proper until he's just in his underwear and hopping in again... he is already wet so like, why bother changing into a swimsuit.]

I think you're gonna love it! Boss showed me it...

[... oh, right-- he's wiggling whatever they are out of his pants pockets, tucking the stones into the palms of his hands as he slides back into the pool.]

So I think it's something special. And since you and Boss are close, I don't think they'd mind at all. Actually, I hope it works underwater, or else I'm gonna look real dumb.

( subaru can go on ahead and strip — amami will, well, he guesses he'll roll up his pantlegs, to his knees or something. that should be fine. he'll pull his sweater up over his head and take off the shirt too though, because when you get those wet, they stick in a way worse kind of way. )

Yeah? Lucky you. I have to admit, I'm a bit jealous.

( it's no wonder why they'd show him something so special though — subaru really has come across as pretty reliable for them.

anyway, i'm legally obligated to mention that if subaru looks, a decent number of scars are visible across the surface of his skin. it's nothing too dramatically numerous though, and he doesn't seem to pay them any mind as he makes his way over to the pool, jumping in to join subaru. he takes a second to resurface, but looks over a little expectantly once he does. )

Deep end, then?

[........

nine out of ten.]

Yup! And why would you be jealous? I'm the one who oughta be~.

[he'll swim that way...☆]

You and Maddy are both so close to them... No matter what they've showed me, I'm sure they've done ten times more for you. This was more like a reward for being a hard worker anyway.

[doing his best and being sincere about his advertisement... dropping by with food and small talk... stuff like that. it's special, but it's not something worth jealousy.]

( thanks he does his best.

but yeah, he'll follow subaru's lead, making their way over to the end of the pool but, like, slowly probably. because it's kind of difficult to hold a conversation if you're swimming quickly. )

I guess I am pretty lucky myself, yeah, but maybe I'm a bit selfish.

( he wouldn't mind having all their attention on him, as unrealistic as that is. )

Anyway, I am glad they have you around. I know I've said this before, but... I think it's good for them.

[...... yeah it is i didnt think about that

subaru would normally laugh and readily agree, say something cheeky, but he wonders if he doesn't just make things harder on them. komaeda seems to think it's generally a good thing too -- the untalented can connect to other untalented and all -- but the way they hurt because of him, even if that's a kind of refreshing pain... selfishly a part of him is glad, but he's sure things would be easier if they weren't so involved.

because he is selfish, though, and because they're friends, he won't abandon despite that.]

What makes you say so? I mean, I'm still happy to hear that, but I wanna know anyway. ☆

[that's a safe way to go about that. be conceited.]

Why, huh...

( ...

anyway, they have to have reached the deep end by now, because i said so. also because they need to have stopped swimming for amami's silence to really hit, especially when he gives a heavy exhale, sighing as if the question weighs down on him physically too. )

You said you didn't have any siblings, right, Akehoshi-kun?

( it's something he's asked before, almost certainly, but it comes up again for this. while the answer might've gotten subaru brushed off with arms-length distance the first time, he seems to be giving more thought to it now. it'd probably be impossible for subaru to understand — the crushing guilt of failure, a still-raw wound that continues to reopen again and again and again; the importance of keeping them safe, and the desperate need to make sure that they're never left doubting how much they're loved. it's the mistakes he's made, but can't get into, and hates to acknowledge even as they continue to repeat. his expression feels distant even now. tired and sad and a little resigned, despite the outline of a smile that traces itself across his lips. )

Let's say I'm just glad there's someone they can rely on, is all. I'm sure you can understand that much.

[so it's something like that? a sibling perspective... subaru'll float on his back while they're lingering, because he does want to figure out something to say, knows he has something on the tip of his tongue, but he dives backwards instead and tugs lightly at amami's leg. come on, down.

he thinks it'll be better said when amami's got more of a real smile on his face, so first thing's first is getting down deep enough that the light won't bother too badly. where their shadows can at least cast a little darkness on the pale, rounded stones he keeps held tight, not wanting to lose either to the depths of the pool. subaru would honestly probably drown himself trying to get it back.]

( subaru is so lucky that amami's preferred mode of traveling is by boat — what that means for him is that being a strong swimmer isn't necessarily something that's optional. diving down, holding his breath until they're just far enough for the light from the surface to begin to dim, shadows falling against their skin. he'll wait for subaru to pause, deciding when they've gone down far enough, but looks expectantly in his direction once they are. )

[subaru grins as much as he can underwater, showing amami the palm sized stones before he strikes them together--

found out that it does work underwater, and that being a small "spark" of light between the two stones. he does it again, to show it wasn't a trick of the eyes, and rubs the two stones together for a more elongated example of the light produced by the stones; it's not like a granite spark, not one that causes any sort of flame, but one that resides where the quartz scrap against one another.

if amami looks carefully, he can see the stones aren't as polished as they might've been a month ago. they've gotten a lot of use with their cool little effect.

... he'll carefully put them in amami's hands once he's satisfied. please don't drop them, they're important -- they were given especially to him, from someone dear.]

( a couple of rocks in the bottom of the pool is... not exactly what amami had expected, but he isn't complaining either. it's something from kamo-kun, their rock expert extraordinaire, after all. between them and clamor, he's more than willing to hold out to see what this is about, and not disappointed at all when it's actually shown to him.

the warm glow is sharp when they're struck, but as subaru rubs them together like that, there's visible interest reflected in amami's eyes. what he doesn't completely expect is for the other to hand the quartz over to him — he shoots subaru a somewhat questioning look, but they're under a time limit here, so... he does accept them.

he strikes them against each other once, twice, experiments briefly with the amount of force needed to generate the soft light with some fascination, and when he's satisfied, holds them out for subaru to take back. he shoots a glance up, towards the surface, to indicate that he'd rather start heading back towards it right about now. )

[subaru's quietly happy at the interest, at the acceptance of trying it out himself, and he holds tight to the rocks as he nods and swims back up.

the moment they're both breaking surface, he's beaming--]

It's called triboluminsence! It only happens with quartz and some other stones, [he looked that up,] but it's awesome!

[he thinks so, anyway. he understands how keigo must've felt too, watching him do it.]

You're like that light though, Ama-chan. It's fine to fail. It's okay not to be enough. As long as you try, and as long as you're there, you're that spark for them -- you're important and you make them happy, so don't beat yourself up. They'll rely on you anyway, because they love you -- because you're enough to them.

( that explanation is cute — and amami will return the smile subaru has as he runs through it. maybe not as brilliantly, but a smile nonetheless, because honestly? yeah. everyone should agree that kamo-kun is cute and clever, and be interested and take seriously the things that they decide to share. but that's not the point. the point is that it's the second part, as subaru continues, that really catches him off guard — the part about him. )

... You get that from Komaeda-kun?

( not that it would be a bad thing if he did but, listen, there's no way it's a coincidence, right? )

He told me something similar, before all this.

( and, actually, yeah... it did help, at the time. )

[for some people, parroting komaeda's words might be an unwanted curse -- to be similar to him in any way, really, with the varying levels of offputness he gives them. but subaru just seems surprised, then he scratches the back of his neck a little with a sheepish grin as he shakes his head.]

Maddy doesn't talk about you when we're hanging out. [not unless amami is also there.] 'Cause I'm untalented and all that.

[which he isn't bothered by, really. being treated like he's not a person yes! being deemed normal, no.]

But I bet he connected it to your hope and junk, right?

Ah, right, that.

( still not sure how komaeda counts him among the talented — not after what happened with hinata, but he's given up on arguing that point. either way, he'll nod his head back towards the edge of the pool to signal for subaru to follow him over. he wants to lean up against it because why are they just chatting while treading water, he's not a jock, let him rest against the edge. )

I guess he kinda did, towards the end, but it didn't really sound like his words.

( and komaeda said himself that he hadn't understood them before. )

It was like... "Even if you fail, trying counts for something," y'know?

[wow, weak. he'll let you win though, they can lean on the pool edge... if only they had people to ogle them, it'd be a scene out of a high school movie.

... that's so interesting though.]

Huh. [... heheh.] Maddy's a good guy, I think. He's just got way too extreme methods sometimes.

[IF WE.... CUT OUT THE MURDER AND HARM FOR ATTENTION'S SAKE..... HE'S A GOOD PERSON, PROBABLY. at least, in subaru's opinion.]

Did I help any? I dunno what it's really like to be a big brother or anything, there's a kid I spoil... spoiled the hell out of back home, who I'd fight for if I saw him cry, but I'd bet the real thing's different.

Yeah, it's different.

( he's unilaterally deciding this, also so that he can skip the question about whether subaru helped any — unfortunately, amami's a failure through and through and through, over and over and over, and there's nothing that can help or change that. even so... at the same time, maybe there's some truth to komaeda's words, and something to subaru's too. even if it can't be helped, and even if they don't understand the significance of his failures, it's... still kind of nice, to feel like they're trying for him.

so turning to face the edge, he rests his chin on his arm, thinking hard if there's a way he can express it — just how important it is to have someone who looks up to you, who relies on you, the way your younger sibling does. because maybe he can try too, for them. but even as he gives it his best effort, as expected, he doesn't think that there is.

the look in his eyes is somewhere far away, and all he can do in the end is shake his head. )

I would've done anything, Akehoshi-kun. Whatever it took, by any means necessary...

( ... if it just meant that he could see her one more time. )

[it sounds the same as natsume's survival oath, how he'd continue to live no matter what, and subaru wonders if there's anything he'd give up pieces of himself for in that way. maybe keigo, with their secret. but is it really worth "any means necessary" to get what you want...? is it really worth hurting yourself or others, just for a chance at something you believe so much in?

does it make someone's belief any less if they don't go to that end?]

Even if it meant you weren't you in the end?

I'd still be me.

( he doesn't have a shred of doubt in the matter — because if he was still pursuing it, it would mean that he remembered, and that he cared. it would mean that he still knew what was important to him, no matter what. he might be a different him, and maybe subaru would disagree with that, but to amami... even that would have been better than the way things ended up. )

Kinda depressing to think about though, not like I can do much about it now...

( he's dead. even if he reincarnated, he'd forget. if he returned, he'd die again. there's no good end out there waiting for him.

...

a long sigh fills the air, and he glances back to subaru with the return of a well-practiced smile to cover his features. )

Why don't we talk about something else?

[just the same answer as natsume...

why are all of his friends like this... it's like, reassuring, but... wow... he has a type...

those are the sort of thoughts running through his mind as he watches amami, noting how the far off look drops off into something subaru's familiar with himself, and even if he wanted to press more there's not much else to press; what's done is done, whatever that may be, and all one can do is support the people who've made their choice. be their eyes, or their escape. just because something's been decided doesn't mean it's forever.]

Sure. You pick.

[he wants to see what amami comes up with]

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