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Yup. I dunno how to really deal with grieving people, 'cause I messed up last time and hurt them instead, and I don't wanna do that to you -- especially by accident.

[his dear best friend. his partner, his encircling star.]

You haven't been eating right since she died, so eat up before I make you spill your guts.

( it's so annoying when people notice things. natsume mechanically eats for a little while; he's sure the soup is good, but it really doesn't taste like much to him. that's no fault of subaru's though: he's read enough to know that sometimes, that's just it works.

nothing's nice for a while after things like this.

... )

It wasn't this hard after other DEATHS. ( so why is it so different with her? he'd been angry over rika and shuichi's, and while he'd been distraught over stephanie's disappearance, it feels different somehow.

well, he'd had things to throw himself into in november. what does he have now? nothing but reminders. ) Who did you mess up WITH?

Ama-chan.

[who had lost a lot in a small span of time, who learned a week later he'd be losing something else months after.]

Those deaths were different, though.

[... he won't say it for him]

( ... )

Right, he'd gone to school with Saihara-kun, and he and the little viper were... ( closer than most people.

...

he should apologize, at some point. not about rika, but about snapping at him. there's only one person who'd know how he feels even a little bit right now, and it's rantarou amami.

he supposes. )

It isn't that those were differENT. Maya-chan's is the different ONE. ( it's the same to anyone else, but to him, it's... his chest aches, like it did earlier. natsume rests back in his chair, lips thin.

... ) How did you get over your faTHER?

( smooth. )

[...

subaru doesn't usually talk about it, doesn't like even thinking about it, but when it comes to people in pain -- it's easier, because he doesn't have to say as much or too little. he can leave things hanging, or say it in a certain way, and they'll understand. more than that, though, natsume doesn't broach that topic as much as he had before, and with such an earnest question--]

It's not really getting over, Natsume. Even though I cleared his name last year, and Mom's started to smile when she see idols again this year, it isn't something we've "gotten over"... it's more like we've become more used to him not being there anymore, though that's more for Mom than me.

[because he remembers his father more as an idol than anything. not just as that, he had times where they played catch, where they watched movies and sang and dance-- but more as an idol anyway.]

... But you learn to find them in the things they leave behind, [he says softly, voice a little gravelly at the effort.] And when you see those things, or hear them, or anything like that -- you remember the happy times you had with the person, and you smile. Like sparkling things and my dad, or your perfumes and Macchi.

[like he couldn't tell their lavenders matched from time to time. the way subaru will see the piano and always think of her, how she'd put her feelings into the piece she played and how you could tell so much about her day, her mood, from just that.]

You and your stupid dog NOSE.

( don't be so attentive... but they're good words, and things he figured might be the case. it's less getting over and more learning to live without a piece of you, even if that sounds so drastic for someone he just met this year, just fell for this year. the intensity of his emotions is only amplified by his grief; it's an observation he makes, logical and detached and distant.

it feels wrong. but it's probably right. happiness, excitement, grief—they're all different magnifying lens. the way his chest hurts is the flipped mirror image of the way he'd felt so light at the rink's edge, maya crouched by his side, telling him to tell her that again once they're out of here.

he pushes his soup aside and leans forward on the table instead, not looking at subaru. not looking anywhere, really. )

You're so lucKY. ( which is mean to say, but it's meaner still with the follow-up: ) You're not going to have to suffer heartache for too LONG, considering you'll be graduating in a few MONTHS. I'm almost jeaLOUS.

[subaru stirs his soup quietly, smile more subdued than happy at that fact, not mad or hurt. he knows he's lucky, in a way. whether or not he manages to keep his word he's lucky, because that pain will only be a blip and he won't feel it long, won't remember it...

... but he won't remember the good times, either. why suncatchers and stars make him smile, why he likes red hair or the way someone tells a joke. why he's fond of people who are pragmatic but mean well-- none of that, from this past life or after life. and it already makes him feel so terribly alone.]

I dunno. I'm not really ready to move on, so I might see if I can stick around somehow. Without dying if I can help it.

I'll kill you if you stay here longer than you're supposed TO.

( he actually just might, but there's no genuine intent to act beneath it. some things are just routine. natsume's death threats, ill-conceived as they might be, is one of those things. )

[and he loves that about natsume so much]

Haha~, I know you will. ♪ But I wanna graduate with you, Natsume, just like we were supposed to. I get lonely when I think about leaving you behind~. I know you'll miss me too. ☆

[subaru's own habit, slipping his real feelings between light words and tones, are really no better than natsume's own]

( he almost refutes it.

but he stays uncharacteristically quiet, staring off at the wall. it's difficult to get chiaki's words out of his head, to tell people they're important to you while you still can, before they leave you behind and you can't do that anymore, and he crosses his ankles under his chair. )

...Yes, I WILL.

( he is going to miss subaru. maybe as much as he misses maya right now. maybe as much as he'll miss other people, going forward. )

But the little wolf didn't work this entire year for you to give up at the finish LINE, Baru-kun. Don't disrespect her efFORTS. ( ... ) Please.

[... oh.

the refute is something he'd expected, and when it doesn't come -- when that comes instead, subaru feels himself a little bashful, uncharacteristically as his friends might tease. he puffs his cheeks a little, battling the warmth in them, and sighs.]

I'm not trying to disrespect them, I just... I'm selfish, Natsume. That's all. [...] But I get it. I'll reconsider, okay?

( ... )

Thank YOU. And I know you ARE. ( selfish. ) It's a core trait of idols to BE. Who else would want the world's eyes on THEM?

[...

even if he could refute it, he couldn't refute it entirely. there's no doubt a part of him does it selfishly for the stage, the feeling he gets from seeing an audience of any size-- he loves to see their smiles, hearing their cheers, making them happy sounds selfless but it's ultimately a selfish thing, probably, just for a good cause. but subaru doesn't really wanna think too hard about it, he just chuckles a little and nods.]

Yeah~, that's true. ♪ You sure sound like Eichi-senpai when you say stuff like that, though.

[teasing]

( ugh. )

Do you remember your comment about prey DRIVE?

Is it activating?

[being natsume's prey is kinda......]

( scoops up some soup

flicks it at him )

[jshsjjsjdjdjs]

Natsume~! Don't waste food like that, you bad boy! At least eat half of it first!

I'm even less-inclined to eat now because of YOU.

( don't compare him to eichi. )

Naaaaaaaaaaatsuuuuuuuuuuuuuumeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~!

[you know how he's gonna whine]

( sorry he's blind he can't hear you )

[good thing he's still got the sense of touch subaru's poking him.]

Eat, eat, eat~. I won't leave you alone 'til you do~. I'll ask questions you don't want me to ask~.

I don't have to answer even if you DO.

( ...slowly going back to eating, unhappy about it but thinking of helena. )

[... he won. leaning against.]

No, but it'll be annoying to hear them. [...] I'm happy you let yourself have that, though.

[since. their professions aside, neither of them... really thought in that way, until it was presented to them; until it arrived at their doorsteps, at different times and in different ways. until they accept it, a little, mistake it may have been.

natsume doesn't have to say anything, after all. they've always been able to read each other, to a point -- and the parts they couldn't, sometimes the lack of legibility is giving enough.]

( that's... )

I flirted incessantly with the little kitten TOO. It's not like this is my first TIME, unlike some peoPLE.

You're mean~, it's not my first first time... Besides, Anzu couldn't give you the time of day 'cause of who she is, who we were -- it was different with Macchi.

[it became a choice.]

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