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( ........................................ )

Was that supposed to be a JOKE.

( didn't work. at least soup is nice, and he's never going to say anything mean about anyone's mom, or her recipe. especially not the widow of akehoshi-san himself.

anyway, he'll sit. his skin prickles uncomfortably, the way it always does when you come from the freezing cold and into some place terribly warm, and he rubs his cheeks to help get them up to temperature faster...

...

he hates it when things are awkward between them, when it's only born of worry and natsume gets the feeling he knows exactly why that worry exists, and he's not going to breach it first. )

Not supposed to be, it was a joke. Not my fault your sense of humor's stale.

['cause he's been drinking so much tea... he'd like protein... anyway. makoto would have laughed or made a quip back and that is all that matters, subaru's sipping at his own, letting the silence linger, layer, along with the better warmth of the dorms.

...]

I miss Macchi.

[he can breach it, without sticking natsume.]

( he has never once laughed at a joke of subaru's and he isn't starting now--

natsume pauses mid-spoon raise, mouth parting, before he sets it back in the bowl. )

It hasn't been that LONG. ( three days. four, if you count the last time she was alive. they'd been in class together. barely a day or two of a shared class together, watching her from the back, knowing she felt his gaze on her and pointedly looking away if she ever looked over just to tease her.

natsume stirs his soup. )

So does Hiro-kun. I can't imagine how lonely he must BE. They don't have parents to go home TO. ( which seems a moot point given they're all dead, but-- ) I'm surprised he comes to SCHOOL. I always figured the little wolf was the one responsible for getting him out of bed and out into the WORLD. She seemed like that TYPE.

[like a little dam breaking open.]

It doesn't matter if it hasn't been long, I'm the type of guy who misses his friends if he hasn't seen them all day -- even if I see them every day. It's just a few now, but it's gonna be forever for me.

[... because he's supposed to be graduating, which is a whole other can of worms between them, for subaru himself.]

And... yeah. That's why I'm worried about him. More than I am about you, 'cause you and Macchi were alike, and that's why you got on so well -- you guys can stand strong for other people, so you don't have to hold onto anyone else. Or think you don't, anyway.

[...]

Hiroppi's the opposite. He's got some people he can depend on, but I dunno if he's gonna reach out to 'em. He's like... one of those plants that like, wind around sticks and stuff as they grow.

We didn't get along that WELL. We'd get on each other's nerves all the time when we talked--I never saw a single smile out of HER. Such a frustrating, irritating young woMAN...

( ...... )

At least he still has Sato-chan. I know she stayed with them over BREAK, so she might still be with him NOW. She's stronger than she thinks she IS.

[...]

What's wrong with saying you were friends, Natsume?

Because we WEREN'T.

( ... )

We were becoming FRIENDS, or something like THAT.

( which doesn't even sound believable to HIM never mind SUBARU ugh-- )

That's what she SAID. That we weren't FRIENDS. Anyway, I'm just telling you the TRUTH.

[yeah that sounds exactly like natsume's "we aren't friENDS" but he and natsume are friENDS so]

Call her your friend. Say she was important to you. I dunno if you got the chance before she died, but you'd better say it now while her soul's sitting pretty in that tree outside.

[while they still have some conscious left, even if that awareness is impatience and the like.]

( me typing that tag: haha that sounds like natsume saying he and subaru aren't friends. wait,

natsume bristles a little, even-- even as he glances the way of the tree, thinking of how heavy its branches are whenever he goes out there, how much heavier they are now, how he never feels like he helps kazuki as much as he can when he stands there and catches the prunings... )

...She knows exactly what she means to ME. She hated hearing IT. ( natsume's lips quirk just a little bit. sad, but fond.

and then, softly, without thought: ) But I wish I had had more chances to tell her anyWAY. I would've said it every day if I could catch her aLONE.

( ........

he exhales slowly, turning back to subaru. )

I suppose there's still a chance to NOW, since her soul is "sitting pretty" in the tree as you oh-so-kindly put IT.

[he knows it wasn't kind, but they rarely are to each other. their kindness comes in different ways, and subaru lets his manifest in the way he scoots closer, knee touching natsume. intrusive but not unobstrusive.]

You'll make her remember you. No matter what this place might take away, there's always pieces that're more attached -- and that's what draws 'em back here, keeps them. So you'll be the one who makes her remember, and then she'll stomp on your foot for it.

[maya seems like a stompy person in his opinion.]

( natsume kicks him, but it's light. )

I'd rather she forgot, actualLY. At least the first TIME. It wasn't my best WORK.

[kicks back, lightly]

I want her to remember that one more than anything else then.

( she hadn't wanted to forget either..... ugh. )

Shut UP. ( ... ) Do you have anything left unSAID?

Mm-mm. I already told her before break how I felt about her.

[which would be romantic sounding if not subaru.]

( hey. )

You didn't tell her you loved her, did YOU? Sir Loves-A-LOT.

Edited 2022-01-20 21:07 (UTC)

I did.

[duh]

And that I appreciated her a lot for everything she's done, 'cause even if it's just her job and she'd say there's nothing to thank her for it's still important to thank people for what they do.

( at least subaru only loves and is never in love. )

...She liked hearing it TOO. Don't let her ever make you think she DIDN'T. ( mmph. ) Is the little wolf what you've actually wanted to talk to me about this whole TIME? You don't have to treat me like glass just because we were--

( ...uh. )

Closer than most peoPLE.

( yeah, that works. "not friends" but there sure is an extremely small list of people who knows anything at all about maya arisu and natsume is there. )

Yup. I dunno how to really deal with grieving people, 'cause I messed up last time and hurt them instead, and I don't wanna do that to you -- especially by accident.

[his dear best friend. his partner, his encircling star.]

You haven't been eating right since she died, so eat up before I make you spill your guts.

( it's so annoying when people notice things. natsume mechanically eats for a little while; he's sure the soup is good, but it really doesn't taste like much to him. that's no fault of subaru's though: he's read enough to know that sometimes, that's just it works.

nothing's nice for a while after things like this.

... )

It wasn't this hard after other DEATHS. ( so why is it so different with her? he'd been angry over rika and shuichi's, and while he'd been distraught over stephanie's disappearance, it feels different somehow.

well, he'd had things to throw himself into in november. what does he have now? nothing but reminders. ) Who did you mess up WITH?

Ama-chan.

[who had lost a lot in a small span of time, who learned a week later he'd be losing something else months after.]

Those deaths were different, though.

[... he won't say it for him]

( ... )

Right, he'd gone to school with Saihara-kun, and he and the little viper were... ( closer than most people.

...

he should apologize, at some point. not about rika, but about snapping at him. there's only one person who'd know how he feels even a little bit right now, and it's rantarou amami.

he supposes. )

It isn't that those were differENT. Maya-chan's is the different ONE. ( it's the same to anyone else, but to him, it's... his chest aches, like it did earlier. natsume rests back in his chair, lips thin.

... ) How did you get over your faTHER?

( smooth. )

[...

subaru doesn't usually talk about it, doesn't like even thinking about it, but when it comes to people in pain -- it's easier, because he doesn't have to say as much or too little. he can leave things hanging, or say it in a certain way, and they'll understand. more than that, though, natsume doesn't broach that topic as much as he had before, and with such an earnest question--]

It's not really getting over, Natsume. Even though I cleared his name last year, and Mom's started to smile when she see idols again this year, it isn't something we've "gotten over"... it's more like we've become more used to him not being there anymore, though that's more for Mom than me.

[because he remembers his father more as an idol than anything. not just as that, he had times where they played catch, where they watched movies and sang and dance-- but more as an idol anyway.]

... But you learn to find them in the things they leave behind, [he says softly, voice a little gravelly at the effort.] And when you see those things, or hear them, or anything like that -- you remember the happy times you had with the person, and you smile. Like sparkling things and my dad, or your perfumes and Macchi.

[like he couldn't tell their lavenders matched from time to time. the way subaru will see the piano and always think of her, how she'd put her feelings into the piece she played and how you could tell so much about her day, her mood, from just that.]

You and your stupid dog NOSE.

( don't be so attentive... but they're good words, and things he figured might be the case. it's less getting over and more learning to live without a piece of you, even if that sounds so drastic for someone he just met this year, just fell for this year. the intensity of his emotions is only amplified by his grief; it's an observation he makes, logical and detached and distant.

it feels wrong. but it's probably right. happiness, excitement, grief—they're all different magnifying lens. the way his chest hurts is the flipped mirror image of the way he'd felt so light at the rink's edge, maya crouched by his side, telling him to tell her that again once they're out of here.

he pushes his soup aside and leans forward on the table instead, not looking at subaru. not looking anywhere, really. )

You're so lucKY. ( which is mean to say, but it's meaner still with the follow-up: ) You're not going to have to suffer heartache for too LONG, considering you'll be graduating in a few MONTHS. I'm almost jeaLOUS.

[subaru stirs his soup quietly, smile more subdued than happy at that fact, not mad or hurt. he knows he's lucky, in a way. whether or not he manages to keep his word he's lucky, because that pain will only be a blip and he won't feel it long, won't remember it...

... but he won't remember the good times, either. why suncatchers and stars make him smile, why he likes red hair or the way someone tells a joke. why he's fond of people who are pragmatic but mean well-- none of that, from this past life or after life. and it already makes him feel so terribly alone.]

I dunno. I'm not really ready to move on, so I might see if I can stick around somehow. Without dying if I can help it.

I'll kill you if you stay here longer than you're supposed TO.

( he actually just might, but there's no genuine intent to act beneath it. some things are just routine. natsume's death threats, ill-conceived as they might be, is one of those things. )

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